according to the partner.

His side- says she doesnt initiate things, sex, oral very often at all, it makes him feel unwanted. He has said to her "If I am not going to get what I want from you, I will leave and get it elsewhere, I dont want to have to force you to do things you obviously dont want to do"

we have more than the average amount of kids, 5 of them, the youngest still often es into bed with us, a real passion killer. He hates the child in our bed, but NEVER takes them out back to their own bed, or sits with them for a few minutes, then blames me for not getting a good night sleep and taking child back to bed...

He plains he always has to ask for oral, most times he asks, he gets, but hes angry for me not just giving it, or asking to give it. He thinks because I dont ask, means I dont care for him enough, and all that BS.

I am one for not initiating, I have acknowledged that. Being a mother to lots of kids, aint easy, and having to do the majority of everything, no thoughts of sex very rarely enter my mind.

I have tried asking him to help more with the kids, and the house, to free up some time and lessen the burden, and because I do this, he thinks that I treat sex as a chore.

Sometimes I feel that, I spend all day cleaning up after him, and the kids, and sex is just more stuff to clean up after. I know thats wrong, but I am just so tired and run down, and I feel just as unwanted and unloved as he says he is.

He doesnt phone me in the days just to say hi, or send a quick email, or sms, I know hes busy at work, but all I am asking is for 1min of his time to say hello, to know hes thinking of me.

I cook 99% of the meals, or organise take-out, but its still me who has to think of what to have and prepare or pick up.

He eats, then dumps the plate, doesnt scrape, or stack it, just leaves it for me to clean up after.

I want to feel like his partner, not his frikken mother or house maid.

I want to be thought of too!

I know sexually he thinks of me, and always wants to make me happy in that department, but I need help and support and love shown in other ways also!

He doesnt tend to understand this.. am I asking too much.

He has told me on several occassions that he wants to leave because hes unsatisfied with our sex lives, and the lack of oral sex, but everything else, is fine, and he can live with, and he loves the way I look after him, just I am not looking after his sexual needs enough.

is 2-3 times a week really that bad to have sex, and probably oral 1-2 times a week.

the next thing is, he hates how I wont let him cum in my mouth, or never attempt to swallow. I have let him finish in my mouth a few times. The first time I nearly vomited, and spat it out on the floor and ran of to rinse my mouth, while I liked seeing his face, it was the foulest thing I have ever experienced, yet I tried it a couple more times to please him, thinking the 2nd time would be better, it wasnt, it was just as foul.

I tried at least a few times, but this is still not good enough, he sulks about it often, yet I have told him, I just cant do it!

He then whinges I never ask him to go down on me, and he says how much he loves it, and wants to, but I never ask. Now I know alot of women would love that, not saying that I dont, but it just gets so wet, and the wet irrates me, he just fills me up with spit and dribble, and I dont like wet patches, but I have said to him, he doesnt have to ask, just do it, but then he never does, as he says if I dont ask I mustnt like it. I do, but just not for too long when it starts getting wet.

We havent however had sex for the past two weeks, due to him being sick, and he goes to bed early, and I have to stay up till the kids are in bed and asleep, plus I dont want to catch his flu thing anyway.

so now hes moping about and ignoring my calls, messages.

He says the only thing he hates about me is the lack of sex/oral/passion in our lives, and says if it doesnt improves soon, he will leave.

I have just been totally stressing out, the kids are picking up on vibes and playing up even more, and I am left to deal with it all, while he sits there and plays his games on the ps or pc

what else is there to ad.

um, is it wrong of me to expect him to help with cleaning, hes never washed a toilet, or shower in his life (well not since hes been with me) never mopped a floor, hires a lawnmower man because he doesnt want to do it himself.

All I ask is to be treated like a partner, not a housemaid, and by that, simple things for him to help, like putting his washing in the laundry hamper, staking his dinner plate, saying thankyou for the meal I just cooked, I mean, I serve up food, he grabs his and walks away, and sits and doesnt even have the mon manners to wait for me to sit with him) sits, scoffs the food, I get no thanks that was yum.. I only get plaints like, cant eat it, dont like it, what else is there.

I bend over backwards to please him, feed him, wash his clothes, iron, do all the shopping, bath the kids, make sure they are looked after.

when we go out, its me getting 6 of us ready, and he just worries about himself

in the mornings, he never gets the kids brekfast, nothing, he sleeps till the last minute, whereas he could get up 5mins early and help and take some pressure off me.

none of this makes sense does it, I am just all over the place.

basically, he wants to leave after just over 2 decades together, as his sexual needs arent beeing met. Who does that!! Talk about feeling used and unloved! what a kick in the teeth that is, he says he loves me, and I take care of him really well in other areas, just hes not getting enough sex.

I love him, yes, even with pig attitude, and all.

I just feel totally trampled on, and like a house maid more than ever!

Is sex twice a week really that bad! (on average, there have been times where its 5/6 times a week there)

Is it me! am I a terrible partner?

and why now after 22 years together, is he up to something.

for the past 6 months, hes being in weird moods, mostly for the week I am on my monthlies, if he hast had sex for more than 4 days, he goes into these moods and ignores me, and treat me like dirt, and basically sooks that hes not getting any.

I acknowledge his needs arent always being met, but nor are mine! and just because mine arent sexually based, just it make them not as important.

he says the kids shouldnt e into this argument, but how can they not be a factor when they are a huge part of our lives, well mine, coz I do more for them than he ever does, its like its a burden when he has to help, or if I ask for help he gets all shirty like, its a hassle.

thanks for reading all this I dont know really what I am wanting people to say or if it makes sense.

Sounds rough, its a shame its all based on sex. Have you guys ever thought of seeing a proffessional about your situation. Has it always been the same. Does he spend time with the kids and do the dad thing, help them into their transition toward adulthood. Does he romance you at all, it seems he's a big kid that needs mothering, and avoids the emotional contact. I have been married over ten years, two young kids and next to no sex life. I see things from my wifes perspective and accept it. I do what I can because it aint all about me. Being a dad is the number one focus as well as a supportive husband, the rest will happen sooner or later. Caring for kids is bloody hard especially 5 of them. Perhaps call his bluff maybe he may appreciate what he had once its gone. Get some help drag his butt to counseling or he can pack his bags. Time for him to grow up be a man. Good Luck

I hope you got some other replies. I just logged on for he first time. I really connected with your ments and some of them apply to me. I am closer to Willies situation. My concern is that I have fallen out of love and with nothing physical happening, I don't know, I just think for a lot of guys that physical connection is so important to pump around all the love hormones, that are triggered by other things but without the physical, it just winds down. But I dream of 2 times a week, but connected with the grumpy sulking that I feel after about 2 months. I guess I am just connecting as a male on the things that I connected with in your post. But would I leave, absolutely and I would be gone now, but I just couldnt bear to be away from my kids. Maybe once they get to teens or so but at 2 and 4 I would endure just about anything so I didn't b e a part time, weekend dad. I could find out my wife was having an affair and that wouldn't worry me and I would have one myself except that through life I don't know how to be anything else but honest and I am sure she would find out and leave and she is a really great Mum and so there is no reason she wouldn't get the kids.

You sound like a fantastic Mum and going above and beyond in the wife dept.  My wife doesn't want to have sex for all the reasons you have mentioned and I understand that, which is probably part of the problem because then I don't put heaps of pressure on her. On the odd times we do I am pretty sure she enjoys it and almost always seems to orgasm. About the only times we do is when I go out of my way to make something happen differently, like get the kids to be early and dig out a bottle of red, turn the telly off and start on the couch.

Anyway, enough about me and trying to help you, and I would say don't under estimate just how differently men and women think and operate. Talk to a bloke to try and work out how he might be thinking. We have had counselling of sorts, but it just doesn't seem to have made real difference, between our work (and I have looked after the kids by myself enough times for the day/night to know who has the easiest job) and just surviving, these counsellors can e up with all sorts of great ideas but I just think they don't get it. "find x minutes a day to spend time just the 2 of you......" when I work all day and by the time we get the kids to bed and the wife is so shagged she just wants to go to sleep, like when! So I just hate the idea of going back - and that is probably a bloke thing - find out what is wrong and just fix it - woman - lets talk about it, consider the options, plicate it if possible (sorry that is harsh, but just trying to demonstrate the difference in thinking). I wish I could think differently. And we can be so immature in our thinking and a woman so logical if you stand back and think about it for a minute - but that doesn't solve your problem. To be blunt, a quick fuck and me head is in a different place and a good lovemaking session and it is like the whole world is actually ok afterall.

So to break it down in bloke terms, things to consider for your husband (based partly on my own experience), and probably better ing from another bloke (does he have a mate you can talk to?) is that once single, while sex might be not that hard to get, another relationship that fits is really hard and it doesn't take that long before you really miss the 'love' even if he is getting what he thinks is the most important thing right now. My first marriage was great but was right we split in the end - just pulling in different directions, but then nearing 40, after 18 months or so I went into this one after the intial get what I want sex thing and then finding the really hard search and I think I stopped too soon, was in love, now not sure, lots of other cracks in the relationship that was better in the first.

With 5 kids it is going to cost him heaps and I have seen guys really resent that and depending on his i e he will be hurting big time and until the kids are of age. Sorry to be so harsh but these things he needs to hear. And while he is worked up now, he will miss you and question himself if he has done the right thing guaranteed. I always knew we should have split (after 14 yrs) but man I have spent some time thinking about that one!

In your thinking I would say don't get hung up on the detail of scraping the dishes and stuff, overall I think you need to work out a more balanced plan. To kick him out of the laziness, are their jobs he resents less than others that might be better to push. I do heaps around our place outside, don't mind the dishes thing but still don't do as much, washing Im cool with but then she doesn't seem to mind that but as much as I have tried at times to do the meal thing, I just hate it. Not fair she always does it but much easier to get me to do everything else than that. Also asking is important with that stuff and asking at the right time. Mine doesn't ask, just bottles it up and gets shitty, your get this explosion thrown at you and it just wasn't a big deal for me to do most of the stuff she mentioned. But it is the big picture why she explodes - starting to ramble.

And also, as part of a resolution I think he will need to feel like he is at least getting some of what he is asking for. With 5 kids pared to this house I think you are doing great with frequency, but if at times you can just allow it to happen he will feel satisfied -obviously. I am not a woman and I don't know how hard it is. If any woman wanted a quick fuck anytime, I just don't see that physically that would be a problem, but I accept we are different and I can just reflect this side. With the in mouth thing, I have had one that seem to act like it is chocolate, repeatedly - but I have had more than one that seem to want to take it deep when they think it is ing, constantly swallowing, which brings the bloke on more and I just assumed this was to keep it away from the taste buds as much as possible. I didn't know these well enough to discuss the whys on that. Maybe another Q on here. Anyway, you will work that one out but if you can talk about it, maybe if there is some other thing to try or suggest, at least he will feel like he is 'winning something'.

Not sure what else to say, hope something usefull here and of course I am just one dumb bloke. It has also helped me to think things through and why I came on here in the first place. Im sure you didn't write for others to say he is a bastard and you are great, and while that may be true, you sound like you really want it to work so just tried to explain where maybe his head is at. And pc's are a terrible drain on time and hence why I should go.

I hope you got some other replies. I just logged on for he first time. I really connected with your ments and some of them apply to me. I am closer to Willies situation. My concern is that I have fallen out of love and with nothing physical happening, I don't know, I just think for a lot of guys that physical connection is so important to pump around all the love hormones, that are triggered by other things but without the physical, it just winds down. But I dream of 2 times a week, but connected with the grumpy sulking that I feel after about 2 months. I guess I am just connecting as a male on the things that I connected with in your post. But would I leave, absolutely and I would be gone now, but I just couldnt bear to be away from my kids. Maybe once they get to teens or so but at 2 and 4 I would endure just about anything so I didn't b e a part time, weekend dad. I could find out my wife was having an affair and that wouldn't worry me and I would have one myself except that through life I don't know how to be anything else but honest and I am sure she would find out and leave and she is a really great Mum and so there is no reason she wouldn't get the kids.

You sound like a fantastic Mum and going above and beyond in the wife dept.  My wife doesn't want to have sex for all the reasons you have mentioned and I understand that, which is probably part of the problem because then I don't put heaps of pressure on her. On the odd times we do I am pretty sure she enjoys it and almost always seems to orgasm. About the only times we do is when I go out of my way to make something happen differently, like get the kids to be early and dig out a bottle of red, turn the telly off and start on the couch.

Anyway, enough about me and trying to help you, and I would say don't under estimate just how differently men and women think and operate. Talk to a bloke to try and work out how he might be thinking. We have had counselling of sorts, but it just doesn't seem to have made real difference, between our work (and I have looked after the kids by myself enough times for the day/night to know who has the easiest job) and just surviving, these counsellors can e up with all sorts of great ideas but I just think they don't get it. "find x minutes a day to spend time just the 2 of you......" when I work all day and by the time we get the kids to bed and the wife is so shagged she just wants to go to sleep, like when! So I just hate the idea of going back - and that is probably a bloke thing - find out what is wrong and just fix it - woman - lets talk about it, consider the options, plicate it if possible (sorry that is harsh, but just trying to demonstrate the difference in thinking). I wish I could think differently. And we can be so immature in our thinking and a woman so logical if you stand back and think about it for a minute - but that doesn't solve your problem. To be blunt, a quick fuck and me head is in a different place and a good lovemaking session and it is like the whole world is actually ok afterall.

So to break it down in bloke terms, things to consider for your husband (based partly on my own experience), and probably better ing from another bloke (does he have a mate you can talk to?) is that once single, while sex might be not that hard to get, another relationship that fits is really hard and it doesn't take that long before you really miss the 'love' even if he is getting what he thinks is the most important thing right now. My first marriage was great but was right we split in the end - just pulling in different directions, but then nearing 40, after 18 months or so I went into this one after the intial get what I want sex thing and then finding the really hard search and I think I stopped too soon, was in love, now not sure, lots of other cracks in the relationship that was better in the first.

With 5 kids it is going to cost him heaps and I have seen guys really resent that and depending on his i e he will be hurting big time and until the kids are of age. Sorry to be so harsh but these things he needs to hear. And while he is worked up now, he will miss you and question himself if he has done the right thing guaranteed. I always knew we should have split (after 14 yrs) but man I have spent some time thinking about that one!

In your thinking I would say don't get hung up on the detail of scraping the dishes and stuff, overall I think you need to work out a more balanced plan. To kick him out of the laziness, are their jobs he resents less than others that might be better to push. I do heaps around our place outside, don't mind the dishes thing but still don't do as much, washing Im cool with but then she doesn't seem to mind that but as much as I have tried at times to do the meal thing, I just hate it. Not fair she always does it but much easier to get me to do everything else than that. Also asking is important with that stuff and asking at the right time. Mine doesn't ask, just bottles it up and gets shitty, your get this explosion thrown at you and it just wasn't a big deal for me to do most of the stuff she mentioned. But it is the big picture why she explodes - starting to ramble.

And also, as part of a resolution I think he will need to feel like he is at least getting some of what he is asking for. With 5 kids pared to this house I think you are doing great with frequency, but if at times you can just allow it to happen he will feel satisfied -obviously. I am not a woman and I don't know how hard it is. If any woman wanted a quick fuck anytime, I just don't see that physically that would be a problem, but I accept we are different and I can just reflect this side. With the in mouth thing, I have had one that seem to act like it is chocolate, repeatedly - but I have had more than one that seem to want to take it deep when they think it is ing, constantly swallowing, which brings the bloke on more and I just assumed this was to keep it away from the taste buds as much as possible. I didn't know these well enough to discuss the whys on that. Maybe another Q on here. Anyway, you will work that one out but if you can talk about it, maybe if there is some other thing to try or suggest, at least he will feel like he is 'winning something'.

Not sure what else to say, hope something usefull here and of course I am just one dumb bloke. It has also helped me to think things through and why I came on here in the first place. Im sure you didn't write for others to say he is a bastard and you are great, and while that may be true, you sound like you really want it to work so just tried to explain where maybe his head is at. And pc's are a terrible drain on time and hence why I should go.

Hi confuzzled,

I am married to a beautiful woman and we have sex once a month, although our last time (two days ago) was the first time in 3-months. I would never leave her because of sex, or the lack thereof.

I can understand how you would be feeling, because I have the tendency to be like your man. I would love to sit down or do my own thing and leave my wife to look after the wife and the kids.

I came to realise that about 5-years ago when we took in my wife's terminally ill mum that my wife had enough on her plate so I knew that if I didn't want a worn out nervous breakdown of a wife to care for, I would need to step up to the plate.

The thing is, the more I invested in my family, my house, my wife and myself (this is just as important, because I wouldn't want my wife to mother me), the more interested I was in everything and everyone in my life.

I don't think your husband is a bad guy, but I do think he doesn't realise how lucky he is.